Sleeping Disorders Are Nothing to Lose Sleep Over

EDITORIAL - Friday, March 20, 2009 - Although my condition is rather embarrassing, I feel that it is my duty to share the details with my readers. Consider this editorial to be a public service, if you will. I suffer from SMAD and the somewhat related OBACLD. These are severe sleeping disorders. They generally work together to make getting a good night's sleep nearly impossible for millions of Americans. Although you may not have heard of these conditions, many people suffer from them and they often go undiagnosed. It's partly due to shame and it's partly due to utter exhaustion.

For those that suffer these conditions, there is hope. New therapies and cures are been discovered to help people cope with their symptoms and in some cases even cure their disease. SMART therapy has been created to help SMAD suffers and BANNIAC was created to cure OBACLD. I know this sounds like a bunch of alphabet soup at the moment, but as I describe the disorders in depth, I'm sure they will be easier to understand.

Mattress companies have, for years, worked diligently to make mattresses more and more comfortable. New innovations have been created to make the sleeping experience pleasant, and very effective. Conventional mattress innovations like the individually wrapped coils cause the mattress to conform to the human form. Memory foams have been added to additional comfort. Hydro-foundations have been perfected and so have air mattress systems. Virtually every company in the mattress industry has been working around the clock to achieve "ultimate comfort" in their sleeping systems. With all of these new innovations, one would assume that sleeping disorders would start to reduce, however, number of sufferers have been steadily rising. What is SMAD? What causes it?

SMAD stands for "Slipper Mattress Anxiety Disorder." It is a condition where the bedding on your mattress refuses to stay on the mattress, and instead begins to coil around the sleeper in mummy form as he rolls around on the bed. In the morning, the sufferer, if he is able to sleep in this condition wakes up wrapped like a burrito. For the life of me I can't understand why any company would pour so much time and R&D money into creating the "perfect sleeping condition" would decide to cover their special pillow topped, individually coiled, super comfortable mattress with Teflon. The mattresses are so slippery that it is impossible to keep the contour sheets fastened to the bed. SMAD sufferers have tried everything to keep the sheets on their mattresses -- pins; staples; special mattress garter belts; hot glue; you name it! Nothing will help to keep the sheets firmly attached to the mattress!

As I mentioned earlier, there is hope. SMART (Slippery Mattress Anxiety Relaxation Therapy) has proven to be effective. Patients attend workshops that teach them how to properly enter and exit the bed so that they don't pull the sheets from the mattress corners. They are also trained how to sleep in a nearly motionless state to prevent what is known in the industry as sheet cocooning. Waking up shouldn't be akin to the emerging of a new butterfly.

I suppose you're now wondering what the other related disorder, OBACLD is all about. "Overly Bright Alarm Clock Light Disorder" makes SMAD even worse. As you toss and turn in bed, being rapped like an ear of corn to be grilled on the barbie, you can't fall asleep if you wanted to. When your alarm clock is so bright you tan at night, you have a problem. A few weeks ago, when the power was off for an hour or so, my alarm clock reset itself. When I woke up in the morning the numbers "12:00" were tanned, in reverse, into my forehead. But, once again, this disorder has a cure. BANNIAC isn't a new drug. It's not even a therapy. It simply stands for "buy a new non-illuminated alarm clock!"

I'm starting to believe that the ancient Egyptians really didn't even want to invent mummification... they simply had slippery mattresses back then too! Tut wasn't ready to die, he was only a kid... his mattress was just to satiny smooth... and he was a victim of SMAD.

Jim Albert